English: The impossible language

Richard Lederer

Maybe English is just an impossible, illogical language, or as Richard
Lederer puts it, it’s a “crazy language,” as he elaborates as follows:
“Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it
that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers
don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of
booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two
indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship
by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an
cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it
out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly
language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.”

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